60 years of struggling with the effects of abuse Submitted by a survivor of abuse.  I recently came across some YouTube videos from Jewish Community Watch. To say that I have been deeply moved is to put it lightly.  For years, families, communities, and our religious institutions have refused to address this issue.  Having been unwilling to do so, children have been harmed in […]

60 years of struggling with the effects of abuse

Submitted by a survivor of abuse. 

I recently came across some YouTube videos from Jewish Community Watch. To say that I have been deeply moved is to put it lightly. 

For years, families, communities, and our religious institutions have refused to address this issue.  Having been unwilling to do so, children have been harmed in ways that most people find incomprehensible.  The evil perpetrated against the innocent is something unfathomable unless you are its victim. I know.

I have often wondered who G-d intended me to be while I was being knit together in my mother’s womb.  Unfortunately, I will never know. The first forays of darkness began at such a young age that I was absolutely incapable of processing any of it.  As the days and months turned into years, the unrestrained evil in my home further penetrated every aspect of my young soul until the bright colors of life had turned into darkness.  I had to endure the regular, unwanted, and terrifying sexual violations from my father and the passive denial from my mother.  Home was never a place of love and acceptance.  It was a place of unbearable, intractable heartache in the hands of evil. 

I am rather horrified when pedophiles are called “sick” as though there is a cure for someone who crosses this sacred boundary by giving him or herself permission to indulge in their deepest, darkest and vilest wants and desires placing it high above the sanctity, innocence and safety of the life of a child.  It is incomprehensible to me.  It is also a wellspring from which overwhelming anger can slowly, over time, become a cauldron of unmitigated rage.  When I have listened to the plethora of excuses and justifications of those whose masquerade includes pretending to have a conscience there are no words for how I have felt and do feel now.  It seems to me that pedophilia is much more pervasive than a “preference”, it is its own form of sociopathy seeking to validate itself by hiding within conventional institutions and their easily manipulated permutations so that who they really are is masked from everyone except their victims.  We know who they are and what you are yet trying to have others understand is what we have had the misfortune to intimately know very well. Their masks are nothing more than a deceptive shroud of evil that quickly informs the innocent with an emotional tyranny and abuse that has either kept victims silent or will do if one attempts to tell anyone and then is disbelieved.

It’s difficult to hear. It’s too intense, too disturbing for most people.  Facing the truth that family members, friends, rabbinical leaders and others, long ago having relinquished the boundaries of respect and regard for others, now spend their time fashioning yet better ways to groom and ingratiate themselves into the lives of their communities only to have access our most vulnerable children. While the innocent are unwittingly becoming prey, these men and women are plotting, in secret, better ways to terrify their victims into silence and submission. How many are willing to volitionally traverse the underbelly of this horrifying Babylon? Most are not and as such, each unwanted incursion by an abuser slowly and steadily obliterates yet another facet of one more beautiful soul. 

I know only too well. Over time, I felt myself disappear into an elaborately constructed mental labyrinth.  Shards of my uniqueness were all that remained from the murderous violations that became a regular part of my life.  Enduring the emotional and physical pain was overwhelming.  So much so that eventually there was no way for my oh-so-young, developing self to process the horrific barrage except by dissociating into two.

The remnants of the precious core of me, violated, shamed and alone, remained locked up in the steel box hidden within the deepest recesses of my heart until the continuous damage was too much and most of that beautiful girl I once was had been destroyed.  I was no longer myself in the most fundamental and significant of ways, yet somewhere in that isolated place, silently waiting without a voice, resided the tiniest spark of passion for freedom and healing. 

From the outside, I became a totally different person, tough, aggressive, quick to anger and always on alert.  Softness and vulnerability were suppressed to prevent another opportunity to be harmed.  Hypervigilance became as natural to me as breathing.   Breathing, however, was sometimes a frightening act as breath is life invisibly reaching down into the darkness and that can inexplicably open the door to feeling the unimaginable suffering.  That is to be avoided at all costs.  Relinquishing life to keep the demons at bay becomes a full time job.  That, along with the PTSD, anxiety, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, dissociative episodes or DID, and the all- consuming fear and trembling that are the ever-present and completely unwanted results of being abused.  My heart longed to be free but it would be years and a terrifying episode of drinking, driving and sobbing before I would finally get the loving kindness and professional assistance I needed to climb out of the abyss.  I made it but it left scars—scars that prevent me from deeply trusting anyone.

I shed tears watching the videos both relating to the other victims and also to those of you who created this organization.  I am so profoundly appreciative for those of you who have made a commitment to the TRUTH.  The truth is costly and I know that personally.  In order to get well, I had to confront a familial system rife with lies and when I began telling the truth it cost me my entire family.  The damage done was significant.  I have my life and in the living I have accepted some of the necessary but unwanted limitations in my ability to trust.  Close personal relationships are an anathema to me.  Though I have and do long for them, the damage done was excessive and that plus other life experiences became a most severe teacher preventing me from trusting others with my heart.

I am happy for those of you who have been able to re-establish trust with others though I am not one of those fortunate ones.  At the age of 68, I have triumphed over the darkness and though my life may seem very limited by others’ standards, it is the one I can do without fear and trembling now.

Please accept my deepest thanks and regard for all that each of you are doing to rescue and protect children from predators.  There are many.  As our culture, and that of the world, succumbs more and more to the practices of Babylon, you are the heroes and heroines shining the light of G-d into a formidable darkness where few are brave enough to go and where the victims of such heinousness have been forced in silence to live. 

May the G-d of this universe, in HIS love and mercy, guide you all, keep you safe and give you both the righteous and street-smart guidance so the lights of your souls may continue to shine amongst all of us and those little ones, still living in darkness and suffering without a voice, will have in their midst angels of light to help them.

With a loving and profoundly grateful heart.

A Survivor

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