I’m sitting here on the last night of Chanukah looking at the menorah, the room is dark, and all I see is the light coming from the flickering flames. I can’t help but compare the fire to my inner turmoil that I’ve experienced for the last few months.
Just like the room is dark, my innards are dark. Just like the little flames are shaking so are all my innards shaking. Just like they are so vulnerable to any wind that can shake them and blow them out, so too I feel so vulnerable.
Dear Father in heaven, I’m not really on talking terms with my father, so please allow me to pour my heart out to you. Please listen to me and wipe away my tears just like any father does for his son. In truth, you are my real father and can help me and soothe me a lot better than my biological father.
Dear Father, I’m living through such extreme pain and sadness the last few months. It really didn’t start over the last few months but rather began when I was born. For some reason which I will never know nor will I ever question, I was born into a very dysfunctional family. That’s where it all started. I don’t need to go into all the details because you know them all. You know them because you put me through them but at the same time, you were there with me along the whole way. Although at the time I didn’t appreciate all the many miracles that I experienced, looking back now as an adult, I see and believe very clearly that the mere fact that I’m alive now and have a happy family and a successful business is one huge miracle.
How someone who was abused so badly both emotionally and sexually can somehow come out of it all and be a successful husband, father and businessman is nothing short of a miracle.
Chanukah is a very painful time for me as it is loaded with triggers. I therefore am not in a place right now where I can appreciate the miracles of Chanukah. But instead dear Father, I’m going to try to experience my own Chanukah with my own miracles. The eight flames plus the shamosh can represent the nine years that I’m married. Before I was married, I had no life and no light. There was only coldness and darkness. Then after I got married, my innards slowly started to light up and shine through. This Hashem, is own my personal Chanukah. This is my own personal thanks to you that you helped me get to where I am today.
However like I said before, the lights that are in me are so vulnerable. So shaky. So susceptible to any wind that will put it out. I don’t feel strong inside. And yes, although there is light in me, I’m still in so much pain. There is still so much confusion in me. There is still so much trauma that is feeling so alive in me and affecting me both physically and emotionally. I was home all day today and didn’t have the strength to move or go anywhere.
I’m experiencing so much pain from all that I’m going through with my parents. What they are doing and what they are saying is eating me up. It’s attempting to put out the little flames in me. It’s hurting me so badly and there are times that I have so much pain and anger that I feel like I will explode.
Besides for my parents, I’m also going through tremendous stress and trauma in dealing with this whole molestation story. Again, I didn’t need to explain as you know it all. I’m trying so hard to help the victims, and it’s sapping me up of the little strength that I have to deal with myself. It’s so triggering to my abuse story, and I find myself getting so triggered by every single thing that I see or hear. I’m living in flashback after flashback and am struggling to make it through the day. I’m struggling so hard to be a good husband and a good father. I’m physically and emotionally smashed but the last thing I want to do is give my wife and children the treatment that I got as a child, I therefore, push myself to the limit to show them the love and affection that they need.
Dearest Father, I think that I need to surrender my life over to you. I think that I’m ready for that. I’m not able to manage my life alone anymore, and therefore I’m surrendering everything over to you. You put me into this world. You put me into my family. You put me together with my horrible molester. I, therefore, know that you will help me get out of all of this. I need your help to cope with my life. With my challenges. With all my physical and emotional struggles from my trauma that I went through. I simply don’t have the strength to do this alone anymore. There is just too much going on for me to handle this all alone.
Hashem, please help me get more support that I so badly need. Please help me through these extremely rough times. Please help me get past all my trauma and come out of it stronger and better.
Although the little flames burning in front of me are so small and vulnerable, at the same time they are also immensely powerful. If they want to, they can cause extreme destruction and on a positive side, that can be used for a tremendous variety of good things. I therefore ask you, please Hashem, let my little flames in me become strong and powerful. Let them grow bigger and brighter to help light up my own world and eventually light up other peoples worlds who went through similar situations.
All my love, your son.