It’s been years since you touched me last. It’s been years since that fateful Friday night when you took the abuse to the next level and violated my privacy and breached every boundary that normal human beings have. Its been years since you physically touched me however, don’t even attempt to think that I don’t feel them anymore.
I feel those hundreds of touches, everyday.
I feel them in every fiber of my being.
I feel them in my dreams at night.
I feel them wherever I go.
I feel the touches but more damaging than the touches are the debilitating shame, guilt and fear that I live with as a result.
The guilt and shame are destroying my inner core. It’s ripping me apart. It destroyed my self esteem. It made a very deep hole in my heart. There are times such as now, that I have so many emotions in me that I feel like they will explode.
I have so much anger towards you. How dare you hurt me so badly? How dare you use my poor body for your own self gratification? How dare you prey upon my vulnerability that I had and use it for your sick and selfish desires? Where’s your heart? Do you even have one? Do you even care? And when I confronted you last year about it, how did you have the audacity to deny it? Where’s your decency?
The reason for all this anger right now is because tonight’s session at my therapist will be an emdr session on your abuse. I’m assuming you don’t know what emdr is because you’re not honest enough to go for therapy. It’s basically a method of bringing oneself back to the trauma and reprocessing it in a safe and healthy way.
I was up half the night last night and am struggling all day as well, in anticipation of tonight’s session. I don’t want to go “back there”. I don’t want to relive the hell that you put me through. But I know that in a order to heal I need to do it. I don’t know where you are right now, but I’m in bed feeling horribly anxious. My heart is pounding. My muscles are tight. My legs are heavy.
All this is because of you. Because of your selfishness. You look like a human but you acted like an animal. You acted like an animal back then and continue to act like one now with your blatant denial. What a coward you are.
However, I want you to know that I chose this path that I’m on. I chose the path of recovery. I chose the path of honesty.
I chose to go through the pain of healing and will continue to fight my way through.
I feel a certain sense of revenge by doing my healing work. You killed me but I’m fighting back. I couldn’t do it at the time. I didn’t have the strength back then to fight you but I have the strength now. And fight I will, with strength of my own and strength that God will give me along the way. You don’t even have the strength to admit your wrongs and I have the strength to fight these mammoth sized battles. So tell me, who’s stronger me or you? Who came out victorious?
No, I will probably never ever forget your touches and will probably be damaged forever because of you but I will get stronger every day and learn to manage my trauma. I started out with a negative account so any strength that I have is so much more meaningful.
At this point I don’t want to continue writing because you don’t deserve hearing more from me. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts.