I am a 52‐year‐old who is married to a loving caring wife and I have 4 wonderful children. I have a management level job that I have held for the past 18 years at a wonderful company. I am an active member of my temple and I live in a nice neighborhood. I do not drink excessively, nor do drugs.
You might be asking yourself then what has been the impact caused to me by my 2 abusers?
As a high school student, I was active in a Jewish youth teen group. It was through this that I met and was invited to a senior Rabbi’s house for what is considered in the Jewish religion one of the happiest holidays of the year. On this holiday there is a custom to eat a festive meal and to be happy. Some believe that this “being happy” refers to drinking lots of alcohol. I arrived to his house full of alcohol and continued to drink as did he. I ended up staying at his house to sleep it off. I was awoken from my sleep by a drunk Rabbi who proceeded to sexually molest me while I was fast asleep in his house in a bedroom normally used by one of his daughters. I was sexually abused while his wife was in the same house. The pain this abuse has caused is that every single year on the happiest of holidays, I relive this abuse. I relive the self‐doubt as to why I as a young child ever drank too much to be drunk. I relive the pain of not being able to fully immerse myself in the joy of this holiday. I relive the difficult self‐doubt that I have. People celebrate this occasion, which for me is the opposite. I relive this attack on a yearly basis. I have hidden this until now even to those closest to me because the internal pain and self‐doubt is so huge.
Also, as a high school student I was repeatedly abused physically, psychologically, and sexually on numerous occasions by a vice principal. I hid it from all including myself. I tried to bury it. I tried to forget it, telling myself deep down inside has it really affected me? Was it sexual in nature? Why can’t I just get over it and move on? I keep trying to heed the advice given to me to my face, behind my back and in print to JUST GET OVER IT. I wish nothing more than if I could just follow their advice and just get over it. Why can’t I just keep going on with my life? Why did his abuse not cause others to be as affected? Why was I not able to stop him? Why didn’t I tell anyone? These are all questions I have and continue to deal with. I am in pain on the inside. In many ways this pain is hard for people to understand and see. I am part of a fraternity that I never asked to be nor would anybody ever join voluntarily. I struggle to make sense of how and why? I struggle to weigh my beliefs and observances against what this Rabbi did. I struggle with what is referred to as “triggers”. I struggle through sleepless nights and mood swings. I struggle with an internal pain that would be much easier for people to see and understand if I were struggling with it visibly on the outside. I struggle that I was not the first, nor the last victim abused by him. I struggle with the thoughts that when some of his victims were ready to
come forward they were met with questions as to their motivation to seek closure. I struggle to understand how in cases where there are so many victims and the pain caused by him are not disputed, but what is disputed is the fact that did we wait too long to come forward. I struggle that me and my family are forced to bear the brunt of the financial costs of treatment. I struggle that the statute of limitations has allowed the school, that knew what was going on, with which he was employed to turn their backs on the victims and use the statute of limitations to their own benefit
I struggle to find the words to say to comfort those close to me and to those who I have grown close to as fellow victims and survivors many of which who even given the changes in our society aren’t ready to or may never be ready to publicly speak or even privately get the help that one needs. I struggle with the sheer number of people who have told me in confidence that they too were abused
I am 52 year old Man who is struggling……………..