It’s the night before Yom Kippur and while everyone else is asking and granting mechilah I know that there will be one exception. I know that you will not ask me forgiveness. Why should you? You did “nothing wrong”. In your words that I will never ever forget “It’s all my dark reinterpitation of our years of association as there were many sunny days as well”. If we had such a “beautiful friendship” why would you ask mechilah?
Well, let me tell you something, don’t even bother asking forgiveness. I will not forgive you! I never forgave you and don’t know when I will be able to! How can I forgive someone that stole five years of my life? How can I forgive someone that beat and burned every part of my innards. How do I forgive someone that used my poor body to fulfill his horrible desires and left me to deal with my wounded self. With all the shame, pain and guilt. Oh the guilt! Massive guilt! Unbearable guilt! Guilt that only survivors feel and that no one else can fathom the level of pain that comes from that guilt.
If you would have killed me at least I would be gone and won’t have to live with all my trauma but you didn’t do that. Instead you treated me “so nicely”. You took “such good care of me” You “loved me”. And then you used me and did all your despicably horrible acts. Acts that you probably don’t even remember. Why should you? It happened so long ago. But for me they still happen weekly in my dreams in very vivid detail so I remember them all clearly. I don’t have the strength to go into the details and yell at you about each one. It’s too traumatic. It’s too painful.
I am many years past the abuse, but it still haunts me. I worry every time I go into a store thinking that I might meet you. I worry every time I see a car that’s similar to yours that it might be you. The other day I saw you driving and I was so angry I couldn’t even look at your face I just know it was you because I memorized your license plate number. Every time I see someone that looks like you or acts similar to you my heart skips a beat.
You owe me five years of my life. You owe me my ego and dignity that you stole from me. You owe me the peace of mind and self-worth that I can’t access now because of your animalistic acts. You owe me all the friends that I could have gotten if not for your manipulation. Besides for the five years that you stole from me, you owe me the next ten dark and excruciatingly painful years that I lived with this heavy secret all alone. You owe me the thousands and thousands of dollars that I’ve spent on therapy and doctors because of you.
But I know you won’t give me anything back. I know you won’t ask me forgiveness. Animals don’t have a sense of right or wrong. I don’t consider you a human being so I don’t expect anything from you. I just want you to read this letter to know what you did to me even though I don’t feel like you even deserve getting a letter from me.
I know and fully believe that even though you ruined me, I am still in so much better shape than you. I am a survivor. You are an abuser. You are mean and I am Good. I know that I will get past some of my pain and at least bring it to a manageable level. I know that I will come out stronger and better from all this. I know that, because I already feel stronger and can only imagine how much stronger I will still get. Yes the going is rough, really rough but I will never give up. I will never stop pushing. I will never stop climbing, and when I get to the top of the mountain I will look down at you with a sense of pride and more importantly with a sense of revenge. You tried killing me but look where I am now and look where you are!