It’s hard to feel and be in my life. I want to forget. I feel shattered. I feel broken.
Today is my daughter’s sixth birthday. Six years of her having a safe, protective and loving environment. Six years of tender love from my husband and myself. Her voice was always heard, never crushed. Her being was accepted and wanted in every sense. I sit here and wonder why my daughter’s birthday brings up so many feelings for me. Why am I connecting to so much pain? It’s so hard to feel it and stay with it. But running from it is harder so I will take the time to sit with the pain and let it speak.
What would you like to say?
What I would like to say is that it hurts. It hurts to come into a world that is full of pain. My journey from childhood was one of fighting for my survival each day. Each day was another struggle to try to find my voice and myself. The self that I had was faced with a renewed struggle for survival every day, was crushed and battered so badly. I was taken and literally beaten. I was thrown to the ground and made to lay lifeless without a voice to say, “Stop! I want to exist! I don’t want to be hurt like this!” This voice was crushed, beaten and hurt.
Others saw but they just remained silent. It hurts to be shunned and ridiculed for claiming that I’ve been molested by D. A brother is a friendly description, but is not suitable for this evil man. I don’t even want to call him brother, I’m so repulsed. What should I answer to my daughter when she asks me: “Mommy why don’t we have anything to do with your brother D, or for that matter any of your brothers? I want to be closer to them, they are my uncles. Mommy, what does it mean they are not safe or healthy?”
How do I explain it to her when fortunately all she knows about, feels and sees is how our family loves her and wants only the best for her. She can’t even fathom what it means that someone would be so vicious. So my heart is shattered, broken, and bleeding for the child inside of me, who every morning and night would pray to God and ask him so innocently, “Save me from all this pain.” So the pain that I have today is of the loss and longing of a peaceful, happy, and innocent childhood. The loss of the happiness of having a family who cares and cherishes your existence. One who looks out and cares for your wellbeing and happiness. The pain is so intense. It’s hard for me to accept it because so many times it just feels so unreal that a family member could have been so vicious. Then, I turn it inwards, telling myself that there must be something wrong with me that I claim that I’ve been betrayed so badly.
I sit here with the pain and want relief. I want to know that I could help other children not have to deal with this pain anymore. I don’t want to be quiet anymore about this pain. I want others to know the truth about my brother so that they can save other kids from his vicious hand. It’s hard to believe because unfortunately these vicious molesters don’t wear a sign saying crazy. They are charismatic and liked individuals. At least D is.
It’s painful to think that others would blame me for spreading his name. But why is it okay for him to spread his evil act and kill souls? Why do I have to live with the scars of the pain and evil acts? Why does he get a free pass when he hurt me so much?
I want to have that free spirit that my daughter possesses and be able to experience life as fun and good and be so excited that “today is my birthday!” To be so excited and happy to be alive! To want to see what life has in store for me! To just have so much energy and spirit to face the world!
I don’t want to face the world with my pain. I want it to be erased. But, unfortunately, I can’t erase it. It exists inside of me. It’s the reality of my childhood of fighting for my existence. Of making meaning out of confusion. Of finding meaning and hope despite all the suffering. Loving and trusting despite being so hurt and betrayed.
It hurts. I don’t understand why it has to be so hard but I’m open and willing to hear learn and heal.
God, I know and believe that there must be a way to heal this pain and stay whole without having to be constantly pulled down by my intense and haunting feelings.
Please show me the way and help me find the peace I so badly want.
Your daughter, who’s in intense pain.