I’m a survivor: on pesach, redemption is what I need

It’s 2015 and I was sitting at the seder table,
Hearing the story of my ancestors being freed,
I began to cry in silence,
Because redemption is what I need.

The Jews in Egypt went through hell,
Burying each other because it was too much to survive,
I think of days I am falling apart,
Wishing I can not just live but thrive.

Their story has a happy ending,
Leaving their torturous past by literally walking away,
If only it was so easy for me follow,
And not be stuck in my present because I haven’t found my miracle day.

My exile is partially because of you,
Because your reputation precedes standing by what is right,
I am “ruining” my future by sharing,
Your so scared to share this plague even on a website.

The Egyptians were hit with 10 plagues,
We have learned of them for so many years they are easy to understand.
What about my plagues haunting me on many days,
Flashbacks, nightmares, isolation and the feeling of sinking into quicksand.

Abuse is not a club we want to join,
Interest begins once we feel unsafe because our comfort zone is shaken,
The statistics are high as we sit by,
Do we want to stop this before those close to us have already been taken?

You may know me but you will never know my tears,
The imbalance on my inside and out is not something I prefer to share.
The longer I can “function” for the more I break at the end,
I can not always hold it together because it is to much to bear.

My plague does not start and stop,
My disease is sporadic and will not wait for an invitation to bubble,
There is no end date so I must always be prepared,
Oh how much work it takes to make this illness manageable.

The most difficult thought to bear,
Is the unknown details of my abuser now and in the future,
How many more children are at risk,
My silent tears wonder if this pattern will ever end so we can all be redeemed forever.

The year is now 2016,
Oh, what a change I have seen.
The tears have lessened,
I have begun to mend!
Healing is about coming to peace,
Knowing that on life,
You have a new lease.
What happened will never disappear,
But will become easier to bear.
The emotions from your situation,
Can push you either way,
Directing that drive to help others,
Gives you some sense of power and feeling sane.
Heal so you could help,
As we’ve seen many do.
Meyer,  Eli, Rivka and Sima,
Plus many more.
In my desperate time of need,
What helped me most from the JCW community,
Were the comments on my writings.
My final message to you who are broken,
I won’t argue with your suffering and pain,
But with the right support you will continue your journey,
This time knowing what paths to avoid.
Chag Sameach
Posted in op-eds, survivors-letters.