A morning prayer from a survivor

Dear Hashem,

Good morning. It’s me, your struggling and confused son. If it’s morning outside, that would mean that I need to get up and go out to work. It would mean that it’s the beginning of a new day. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to face the world. I don’t want to put on my show. I don’t have any material left to put on my façade. I don’t have the strength and courage to walk the tightrope which would take me across to the other end of the day.

Each day is a new challenge. Some days the challenges and sufferings are bearable and easy and some days they are hard. Really hard. Almost unbearably hard.

Some mornings I wake up feeling ready to tackle the day and some days, like today, I wake up already feeling depleted of all strength. Why go out there? Why walk the tightrope? Why should I go out there and struggle if I can stay home?

So dear Father, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll go out and face the day. I’ll walk the tightrope but I need you to come with me. I need you to hold me from above and watch over me. If I get yelled at from a customer, I need you to answer back for me. If I have a problem with an installation, I need you to help me brainstorm to figure out what to do.

The mere fact that I’m getting up and going out is already maxing me out. I’m already depleted by simply doing that but Like I always say, You have no max. You have no limits and I therefore ask You to come along with me today and help me through the day.

I’m waking up, I’m going out, I’m trying my best and I’m done. I can’t do more than that. If I would see my child suffering unable to walk due to a physical trauma and is desperately trying to get across the room to get something, my heart would melt. I would run over and scoop them up and hold them and bring them across the room.

Father in Heaven, I’m that child of yours. I’m unable to walk due to many, many years of childhood and teenage trauma. I’m emotionally paralyzed. I’m struggling to get across the ocean and get to the other side of the day. I need You to come in and hold me and bring me to the other side.

In this world down below, I need to be so hesitant before I talk to people about my struggles because so few people “get it” but You Hashem are my father. If you don’t get it who will?? You created me and put me through it all so You definitely “get it” I’m therefore crying and pleading out to You. Hold me. Carry me. Soothe my pain. Wipe away my tears. Show me the light. Show me a path. Shower me with love. I love You so much. I really do. My tears are flowing and tears don’t lie. One cannot fake tears. Tears prove the truth. I really Love you and feel so privileged to have You as a father. Please love me back.

Please love me the way I love my children. I would do anything if I would see my child suffering. I would run into fire and water for them. I’m that child of yours. I’m that struggling and drowning child calling and screaming out to you for a rope.
Actually, I don’t want a rope. I want You. I want You to pick me up and help me throughout the day.
It’s getting late and I better get going but please come with me. I really need you!

All my love, your son, Yaakov

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