A survivor’s letter to “non-traumatized people”

Dear friends and neighbors,

I’d like to share something that I experienced today in my therapy session. I was doing EMDR methods used to heal from past trauma. It’s a very powerful treatment modality in which you reprocess old trauma in a safe and healthy way.  It brings up lots of memories and emotions and can be extremely painful but at the same time it’s extremely healing.

I was in middle of the treatment when I suddenly got this amazingly pure feeling of real inner peace and tranquility. It was a moment in which I believed with my whole heart that I actually am entitled to live life and enjoy it. It lasted a short time  but it was so real and serene.

I turned to my therapist with tears in my eyes and asked “is this the way you normal non-traumatized people feel like all the time?” I couldn’t imagine feeling it all the time. It was such a beautifully light state of being and it was at that moment that I realized how traumatized I really am and how much my abuse really effected me.

My usual thoughts and emotions are so heavyweight and dark. They are so deep and intertwined with all my different traumas that I went through. I usually can feel my entire past in my heart and soul. I feel it in my bones and I feel it in my brain.

I usually don’t have room for anything else. I usually don’t have any space for any happy thoughts. However, today I was able to feel that beautiful feeling and I don’t have the words to describe it.

This my dear friends is the difference between me and you. This is the difference between a victim of abuse and a non victim. I’m in therapy for many years and only  today did I feel a true feeling of belonging.

Yes, abuse robs you of all of these beautiful feelings and injects you with enormous amounts of self doubt and self denigration and it takes years and years and a tremendous amount of very hard work to slowly let all of the past bleed out. You need to peel away layers and layers of shame and guilt and then infuse yourself with new fresh feelings. Feelings that are pure and are untouched by anyone else.

In closing, I’d like to address all the suffering victims out there. There is hope. I was abused so badly and suffered and still suffer every day from it. However, today I tasted real healing. I tasted the purity and beauty of a non traumatized mind. Keep on working and you will get there.

My message to everyone else is. Please don’t judge us victims when we don’t act like you or do things that you don’t feel is right. The feelings that you constantly feel are feelings that we need to work on for years to achieve and until then we are so fully engulfed in our trauma that we simply don’t have room for anything else. Telling us to just stop and get over it is like telling a raging fire burning down a house to stop burning and put itself out.

The fire has no will of its own and was lit by some outside source. Once it’s lit and burning it takes massive amounts of power and resource to put out.

That’s what abuse and trauma is. We didn’t choose to light our fire. We didn’t light it on our own. It was ignited by an outsider who was extremely selfish and used us for his needs and didn’t care about us. He lit a fire in us and I promise we are trying our very best to put it out. However, it’s a daily struggle and we will get there and when we do, we will rebuild a beautiful and spectacular house that was bigger and better than ever before.

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