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The shame that I’m feeling is so intensely strong. It was born on that dreadful day. The day when I first met him.
The day when the spark in my soul was extinguished.
The day that I no longer owned my body. The day in which my body became a pleasure machine for him.
I became a thing which was used.
I went from being a verb to being a noun.
The shame was planted that day and was watered and nurtured every day by him.
I don’t have a better word for him. I don’t think he deserves a name.
This Him, locked me in a cage and devoured my body and soul. He stole my limbs and organs and in it’s place, replaced it with shame. Shame that’s so deep. So dark. So heavy. So debilitating. It’s in every cell of my body. In every organ that this Him touched.
Right now it’s in the hot tears that are steaming down my cheeks. Other times, it’s in my migraines and stomach pains. And yet other times it’s in my eyes, which won’t look in the mirror. I can’t see the body that he touched. I can’t see the body that was defiled and tarnished.
I’ve worked through so many layers of his abuse. There is so much to work through. So many years of trauma. So many years of disgrace and denigration. I’ve broken through so many emotional blockages, yet this shame is so thick and strong. This shame is so strongly anchored into my psyche. It’s so part of me.
There are times, like now, that I’d love to detach myself from my body. But I know that it won’t help. My face was hurt by him as well. It won’t help to detach my body. And so I struggle with living a life of shame. It’s in every bone in my body. It’s in the very fingers that are writing this now.
This shame stole my happiness. Robbed me of my self respect. Took away the ability to have intimacy in my marriage. Caused me so much pain which leads me to have constant suicidal ideation.
It’s been so many years since he left my life yet I still feel his hands all over me. I still smell his body smell. I still hear his sounds of pleasure. I still fear him and his actions. I see him in my nightmares. I see him in every trigger. I see him so vividly in every flashback.
I don’t want Him to live in me. I don’t want this lowly being to be part of me anymore. I don’t want to give him space to stay. However, it feels as though he’s here to stay. It feels as though I’ll never move past this deeply rooted shame. I feel so stuck because however much I hate him, he’s still here in me. He’s still taking up precious space in my mind and soul.
My only hope is that just like I’ve broken through so many barriers in my life, I’ll be able to break this one as well. I’ve worked through and torn down so many walls and I just hope and pray that I’ll be able to conquer this one as well. I’ll be able to finally rid myself of the shame that was so wrongly planted in me. I’m longing for the day when I will be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the one who’s facing me in the reflection. I don’t know when that day will come but I do know that I won’t stop working on it until that day comes.
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