Behind these walls

I submitted an article titled It Stole My Life my Purpose and my Soul to JCW over 2 years ago, anonymously.

I decided it is time to speak freely and break free from the shackles of abuse

Here is my update:

My name is Baruch Bergman (Bee Bee)

The emotions keep running by, attaching themselves to me like demons that do not want to leave. My past haunts me, the pain haunts me, the loneliness haunts me, and the memories haunt me. You can try to run away from it, but you get nothing. It slaps you back in the face the same way it did yesterday. It makes you think, how could a nation that is bonded by supporting people and being kind to one another so completely ignorant about the effects of sexual abuse to a child of just 10 years old.

It makes you think and it makes you wonder, but the more you think and the more you wonder and try to come up with answers the worse it gets and the more you realize you will never know the answer. You sit there and think, is 5 years of molestation and rape the norm? Is that how everyone’s childhood goes? Am I wrong for asking questions?

Those of you who experienced this know, but for those who do not know I will explain. It all starts with a nice gesture of what they call “love”, its because they care so much about you that they just want to ruin your life. You see, there is no reset button to your mind or to your life. It will never leave you, it attaches to you because it feeds off you and you are its victim. It does not discriminate, it doesn’t care if your life is good or bad, it will come into your life and it will tear every bit of it apart. It will leave you wishing you had the guts to end it all, but you go on for no reason at all. At first you don’t know what it is, for me it was a watch. That stupid watch that I was so happy to receive, he knew I lacked compassion and love and by god did he love that. He stuck up for me because he knew no-one would since I was different and battered. He isolated me, he told me there was no other way but to let him show me what love is. Sometimes I think if I talk about it enough it will let go of me for the lack of air to breathe and for exposure. It will not let go it is always there and it always reminds you of the fact that you will always be a sex toy. You will never know what it’s like to have a normal childhood and you will never understand how the people closest to you could turn your life into a nightmare.

As the years go by it becomes so normal you don’t even think about saying no because you assume that’s how your life is meant to be and you’re too young to even comprehend what’s going on. Why else would it be this way if that wasn’t your destiny? You walk on the streets and you’re crippled with fear over who the next person will be to pounce on you and make you swear not to tell a soul. There is no excuse, call it too sheltered or call it deprived of humanity it doesn’t make a difference, you are choosing to ruin a young boy’s life forever for your pleasure. You become older and you start saying no once you understand what they are doing to you but then they start forcing you to say yes, but no one will believe you because you’re just trying to get attention aren’t you? They make u swear in front of the Torah, but they still don’t believe you. Of course, they wouldn’t want to ruin the name of an orthodox school because everything is so perfect behind these walls, aren’t they? There’s the wall of shame, but is that the full list? How many more must there be till someone realizes we must stop this? Is it gods will? I doubt so.

You get older and older and you tart to think maybe it was my fault? Maybe I did something wrong? You go through years and years of therapy hoping to be cured and to let go of these people and demons who have attached themselves to you, then one day you think you’re cured once you find that drug that can help you escape, but that only takes you further and further into denial of what happened. Then you get sober and think life will be okay, but no it is still there, it will always be there. I try to think of just the right words that will express the pain and make people understand, but how do you explain something like this? How do you explain the anxiety, fear, and sheer terror of the pain that follows you around? Can you be saved? I don’t think so, but what can we do? Stop ripping out the papers that explain life, educate your kids! Tell them to stay away from the devil, don’t tell them they’ll burn in hell, tell them they’re amazing, and by god don’t invalidate their feeling out of fear of a rabbi or rabbis who want to ruin your child’s life forever.

A big thank you to Meyer Seewald and Jewish Community Watch for all your support and helping hand.

Posted in media, news-articles, op-eds, survivors-letters.