CLOTHED IN GARMENTS AS HOLY AS CAN BE, NOTHING BUT DISTURBANCE PILING OFF OF THEE

Pain. Loss. Resentment. Shame.

Hate. Anger. Weakness. Pain.

Where does this come from? Why do I feel so restrained?

I want to get rid of it, release the toxic change.

 

I want to share.

 

I want to be me I want to be free

I want to show the world who I really care to be

 

I want to have a voice, I want to feel safe

I want to feel love, I want to feel grace

 

I want to feel me, I want to feel you

I want to feel everything pure and true

 

Instead I feel anger, resentment, and shame

Nothing can express the feeling of disdain

Passion yet numb, my character contained.

 

All truth is broken, shattered and gone

 

Emptiness, stillness, darkness, and gloom

Loss of identity, powerless too.

 

The room filled with people, smiling in song

Loneliness takes over, Effortlessly won.

 

Anxiously attaining to reach more than none

Ghostly existence, a soul dead and gone

Body remains wounded and done

Soul is on fire, pray little one.

Sexually tormented, God having fun?

Quickly forgetting, nothings been done.

Be sure to keep secret, there’s always that gun.

Powerless, lost, confused as they come.

Suffering silently, exposed to the scum.

 

The most intimate relation defiled and ruined.

 

For all eternity innocence stolen, taken and gone.

Too early. Too soon. But life moves on….

 

Who to talk to?

Who to cry to?

Who to turn to for help?

 

No one

Nothing

The silence must be kept.

 

Aching inside, dying to breathe

Pasting a smile, casing what’s underneath

 

Confused as an alien fallen onto earth

Love means betrayal, loss of self worth

 

Safety uncertain, honesty is all lies

Protection denial, truth is despised

 

None of it makes sense, clotted in time

Family, protection, who draws the line?

 

Comfort. Love. Morals. Religion.

Absent. Demolished. As long as there’s submission.

No one held accountable, dismissed of retribution.

 

Who are you? What are you thinking?

Who are you hurting? What are you seeking?

 

Maybe a child, an innocent soul

Someone less powerful, someone you can control

 

Maybe a little girl once soulful and pure

Shining and hopeful until darkness hit her core

 

Blackness, evil, no one else can see

No one but the little girl, fearful as can be

 

Evil she did not know existed until of late age

Evil that was never taught remaining more than just a phase

 

Evil disguised as love tormenting with shame

Evil no one seems to understand amplifying the pain

 

Only she sees it. Only she feels it.

Only she lives it. Only she breathes it.

 

Every single day.

 

It’s her fault. She thinks. How crazy can she be?

Absurd. Unreal. The power he had over me.

 

The shame. The guilt. The prolonged secrecy.

How forceful and convincing one person can be.

 

Molding a child to whatever they want it to be

Whatever entices them at the moment, thinking so selfishly

 

Corrupting the mind, body, and soul

Sick. Murderous. How can one not see this all

 

I will never understand, the answers don’t come

My heart weeps for all suffering from what they’ve done

 

All the children who were invaded, blamed for having “fun”

Falling into addiction unbeknownst to some

Allowing the abuser the power he’s won

 

Repeating the cycle of self hate and fear

For what? For who? I can no longer bear

Trying to please, Everyone but me.

 

That devious act was the start of it all

Life will never be the same, it’s a pretty hard fall

 

He opened up a different sort of track

One that rides completely out of whack.

 

That identity lingers on for years

Stuck, powerless, reserved, unshared

 

Adults Now, children inside.

Broken and caught up in what we think our minds have untied

 

Children who experience what no child ever should

Enter a dark tunnel some of you wish you understood

 

I hope you are feeling something inside

As long as your moving living inside

Maybe shocked or alarmed, caught by surprise

 

It’s time to wake up and let the truth rest for a while

Be aware of what’s going on, there is no denial

 

Reality is clear

2015 is here

 

No more secrets, no more lies

No more blood dripping inside

 

No more fear, no more shame

No more silence or misery or pain

 

I have a story, I’m sure you do too

Mine is pretty sacred, hard to admit, intense, and true

 

Awareness will not deter me from leading my own way

There must be a purpose for being alive today

 

I am here to support anyone whose got one

 

After everything that’s happened since that devastating night

I’ve learnt quite a bit, not so much in spite.

 

Trauma is real, resentment and disdain

Images lingering, taunting thoughts throughout the day.

 

Clothed in garments as holy as can be

Nothing but disturbance piling off of thee

 

A rabbi once told me I have a special place in God’s heart

As a way to try to comfort me. He didn’t know what he had start

 

As comforting as that sounds, predictable as can be

Nothing can take away from what’s transpired inside of me

 

My life filled with searching, interest, and yearning

Thirsting for knowledge, tastefully discerning

 

As I rest my head to try to sleep

I pray that tomorrow I’ll no longer feel weak.

 

Chaya T

 


 

“A child miseducated is a child lost.” John F. Kennedy.

We don’t want to lose any more children. It seems so much easier to destroy life than to strengthen and nurture it. Let’s try to nurture more. Education means leading away from ignorance, defenselessness, anxiety, and fear.

Childhood should be a time of growth and hope. When memories of childhood are tarnished, bitterness and resentment follow, leading to erratic and addictive behavior. As my birthday approaches and it’s a new year, I look forward to breathing in exhilaratingly fresh air. Air of strength, courage, compassion, and hope. I am so grateful for the special people God blessed me with to partake in my journey.

Posted in survivors-letters.

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