Pain. Loss. Resentment. Shame.
Hate. Anger. Weakness. Pain.
Where does this come from? Why do I feel so restrained?
I want to get rid of it, release the toxic change.
I want to share.
I want to be me I want to be free
I want to show the world who I really care to be
I want to have a voice, I want to feel safe
I want to feel love, I want to feel grace
I want to feel me, I want to feel you
I want to feel everything pure and true
Instead I feel anger, resentment, and shame
Nothing can express the feeling of disdain
Passion yet numb, my character contained.
All truth is broken, shattered and gone
Emptiness, stillness, darkness, and gloom
Loss of identity, powerless too.
The room filled with people, smiling in song
Loneliness takes over, Effortlessly won.
Anxiously attaining to reach more than none
Ghostly existence, a soul dead and gone
Body remains wounded and done
Soul is on fire, pray little one.
Sexually tormented, God having fun?
Quickly forgetting, nothings been done.
Be sure to keep secret, there’s always that gun.
Powerless, lost, confused as they come.
Suffering silently, exposed to the scum.
The most intimate relation defiled and ruined.
For all eternity innocence stolen, taken and gone.
Too early. Too soon. But life moves on….
Who to talk to?
Who to cry to?
Who to turn to for help?
No one
Nothing
The silence must be kept.
Aching inside, dying to breathe
Pasting a smile, casing what’s underneath
Confused as an alien fallen onto earth
Love means betrayal, loss of self worth
Safety uncertain, honesty is all lies
Protection denial, truth is despised
None of it makes sense, clotted in time
Family, protection, who draws the line?
Comfort. Love. Morals. Religion.
Absent. Demolished. As long as there’s submission.
No one held accountable, dismissed of retribution.
Who are you? What are you thinking?
Who are you hurting? What are you seeking?
Maybe a child, an innocent soul
Someone less powerful, someone you can control
Maybe a little girl once soulful and pure
Shining and hopeful until darkness hit her core
Blackness, evil, no one else can see
No one but the little girl, fearful as can be
Evil she did not know existed until of late age
Evil that was never taught remaining more than just a phase
Evil disguised as love tormenting with shame
Evil no one seems to understand amplifying the pain
Only she sees it. Only she feels it.
Only she lives it. Only she breathes it.
Every single day.
It’s her fault. She thinks. How crazy can she be?
Absurd. Unreal. The power he had over me.
The shame. The guilt. The prolonged secrecy.
How forceful and convincing one person can be.
Molding a child to whatever they want it to be
Whatever entices them at the moment, thinking so selfishly
Corrupting the mind, body, and soul
Sick. Murderous. How can one not see this all
I will never understand, the answers don’t come
My heart weeps for all suffering from what they’ve done
All the children who were invaded, blamed for having “fun”
Falling into addiction unbeknownst to some
Allowing the abuser the power he’s won
Repeating the cycle of self hate and fear
For what? For who? I can no longer bear
Trying to please, Everyone but me.
That devious act was the start of it all
Life will never be the same, it’s a pretty hard fall
He opened up a different sort of track
One that rides completely out of whack.
That identity lingers on for years
Stuck, powerless, reserved, unshared
Adults Now, children inside.
Broken and caught up in what we think our minds have untied
Children who experience what no child ever should
Enter a dark tunnel some of you wish you understood
I hope you are feeling something inside
As long as your moving living inside
Maybe shocked or alarmed, caught by surprise
It’s time to wake up and let the truth rest for a while
Be aware of what’s going on, there is no denial
Reality is clear
2015 is here
No more secrets, no more lies
No more blood dripping inside
No more fear, no more shame
No more silence or misery or pain
I have a story, I’m sure you do too
Mine is pretty sacred, hard to admit, intense, and true
Awareness will not deter me from leading my own way
There must be a purpose for being alive today
I am here to support anyone whose got one
After everything that’s happened since that devastating night
I’ve learnt quite a bit, not so much in spite.
Trauma is real, resentment and disdain
Images lingering, taunting thoughts throughout the day.
Clothed in garments as holy as can be
Nothing but disturbance piling off of thee
A rabbi once told me I have a special place in God’s heart
As a way to try to comfort me. He didn’t know what he had start
As comforting as that sounds, predictable as can be
Nothing can take away from what’s transpired inside of me
My life filled with searching, interest, and yearning
Thirsting for knowledge, tastefully discerning
As I rest my head to try to sleep
I pray that tomorrow I’ll no longer feel weak.
Chaya T
“A child miseducated is a child lost.” John F. Kennedy.
We don’t want to lose any more children. It seems so much easier to destroy life than to strengthen and nurture it. Let’s try to nurture more. Education means leading away from ignorance, defenselessness, anxiety, and fear.
Childhood should be a time of growth and hope. When memories of childhood are tarnished, bitterness and resentment follow, leading to erratic and addictive behavior. As my birthday approaches and it’s a new year, I look forward to breathing in exhilaratingly fresh air. Air of strength, courage, compassion, and hope. I am so grateful for the special people God blessed me with to partake in my journey.
