One day you’re 9 years old, you come home from school and do your homework like a good girl. You go out to play in the nice spring weather, with your little sister and you’re laughing. You can hear the birds chirping and and others laughing. It’s a sunny day and you feel happy. You go to park and play on the swings and go down the slides and life is great! You get back home drenched in sweat and laugh about that old woman that fell in the park.
You eat your dinner like a good girl,
You take a shower like a good girl,
You brush your teeth like a good girl,
You say shema and hamapil and you don’t talk after because mommy said you can’t and you’re a good girl.
You’re 9 years old and you’re home after school just like any other day, But it’s not any other day. Your neighbors tell you they want to play a game with you. You think it’s cops and robbers and you’re finally big enough to play with the boys!
But instead of cops and robbers it’s I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
The next day it’s more than that.
And it goes on for a while being more than that.
Then you find yourself saying no and getting locked in a garage for over an hour and told if you say no it will be painful. If you scream it will be painful. If you ask anyone for help it will be painful. So you sit in the garage under your porch in the 15 feet of space and wait. You look at the spider webs and think when is this going to end. You’re free to go and you realize that this game is not fun.
But you are not allowed to tell anyone because it will hurt next time
They come into the house and take money from your piggy bank. You have a few singles and you’re so excited and they take it. And then they ask you what you’re gonna do about it.
And you can’t do anything because then it will hurt.
Days go by and they bring their friends. They are having fun, but you aren’t. They finish taking turns and laugh at how much fun they are having. But you aren’t having fun and you find no ability to ever laugh again.
You go back to school but school is not fun anymore. Recess is too loud and seeing people smile is too painful. Your teacher tells you what to you and you don’t like it so you say no. You go to the principles office and your called a bad girl.
You go home and your mother tells you to eat your dinner and you say no so your mother says you’ll starve and you get punished because you’re a bad girl. You go on for years being called a bad girl because you say no.
You turn 16 and you become friends with an older man. He helps you with something and you feel loved. You don’t know if you can trust him but he’s nice and buys you things. You fight with your parents and run away from home and he lets you stay by him because he’s nice!
He compliments your looks and you feel pretty and think he’s nice!
He tell you it makes him uncomfortable that you wear cloths and don’t feel comfortable enough to take them off. You desperately want to keep them on but he’s nice and if you say no he won’t be nice anymore.
He tells you it makes him uncomfortable that you sleep on a separate bed because he wants more room to sleep. He’s nice and let’s you sleep by his house so you say ok.
He takes you shopping and buys you some shoes and you think wow he’s so nice!
Over the next period of time he slowly takes control over you and still buys you things so you think he’s nice.
Then he says oops. And oops again. And you tell yourself it’s ok because he’s nice and you owe it to him.
After 6 months you say no to coming over and he says you can’t say no.
So you go. Because if you say no it will hurt.
You find every excuse in the book not to go and you slowly get away from this monster that calls himself a human.
Years pass and you find yourself incapable of saying no. You find yourself wishing you did and wishing you could.
Now you don’t say no because you don’t want it to hurt but it just hurts more. You say no and get punished and it hurts. No matter what you do it always hurts.
You start doing drugs because it makes you feel good. But the pain never leaves. You get sober and think it’s the solution but the pain never leaves. You relapse and find a new love. This one more intense than the last and the pain gets worse. You get clean and the pain still doesn’t leave. You keep trying to find a way out of the pain and find yourself deeper in it. No matter what you do and how much you want it to leave, it doesn’t. It’s a part of the air you breath now. It’s part of your limbs now. It’s a part of your being and you can never get it to leave now!