I want to go back to how I used to be

The food is calling

I fear I’m falling

Words are swimming in my head

Memories fill and invade my bed

There’s no room for me to rest

Every moment becomes a test

Hands and fingers are all I feel

You can’t convince me they are not real

Pain is forming from the inside out

I bite my lip so I won’t shout

My heart is breaking for a very small child

Who was used, abused and then defiled

No one noticed, no one cared

No one ever knew that she was scared

A tiny whimper to express her fear

Never too loud, never a tear

The war inside is hers alone

She hardened her heart, it turned to stone

The truth is there before my eyes

I turn my head and try to hide

If I don’t see it, then I can pretend

That I don’t know where it all ends

I need to back up and walk away

Pack things up for another day

But I said the words and made them real

It’s too late now, I’m starting to feel

I don’t like the things that are happening inside

I’m frantically searching for a place to hide

Time moves slow but things happen fast

There must be a way to escape my past

My body betrayed me, I’m jumping out of my skin

So much to say but I can’t begin

I don’t want to tell you, I don’t want to share

The stories, the details, why should you care

I saw the expression on your face

Pity and sorrow filled the place

Your hand on your mouth, your eyes big with fear

Because I spoke the words, you had to hear

Silence is golden, I know that’s true

But the words spill out when I’m with you

I can’t control it anymore

My eyes keep darting towards the door

I want to go, leave this all behind

But no matter what I look for, this is all I find

I have to finish what I didn’t start

The smallest steps are the hardest part

I want to go back to how I used to be

Where nobody noticed, they couldn’t see me

I know that I can’t, I know that I won’t

While I say that I want it, I know that I don’t

I’m just so scared of what I will see

I’d give just about anything not to be me

Posted in media, survivors-letters.

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