It stole my life, my purpose and my soul

This story contains graphic descriptions and may be disturbing to its readers

Growing up in a ultra-religious, Jewish neighborhood there was always pressure for me to become the most perfect Jew that I could be.

Unfortunately, no one paid attention to my feelings.

I grew up in a home where everything was cold and I felt unloved. Like many kids my age that were trying to fit into a box, I failed miserably. When he promised me he would be there for me and care about me, I never thought it really meant that he would scar me and bury me alive.

I tell my story to inspire others. I hope I can help someone like me realize that there are others that know just what you feel.

I know what it means to open up to someone and be shut down. Because after he molested me in school, I opened up to someone, not because I thought it would help but because I wanted someone to care about me. The rabbi was told of what happened, but, of course, just like many other rabbis, he believed the abuser and believed I was just trying to attract attention at the age of 11. This has left me believing until today that anyone who is there for you just wants something in return.

Of course my parents listened to the rabbis and didn’t do anything. Then, at the young age of 11, I was brought before a Torah to swear that what I said was true. Life took off from there, leading to everyone talking about me in school and everyone taking advantage of me sexually like I was their sex toy.

Fast forward one year. I was told to go to a room. There stood someone my age alongside an older guy, who then forcefully made me gag until I couldn’t talk.

Until he was satisfied.

Of course, I went on and kept quiet. Everything that I felt was expressed with a razor going up and down my arm and with the blood gushing. What would be the point of raising my voice if it would never be heard?

This continued until I was 15. During those years I was taken advantage of mentally, verbally, and sexually, and that became my routine. That was all I knew in life, “Don’t talk, this is how your life is meant to be because why else would they be doing this to you?” I waited to get raped, because I knew that was the cycle.

And then it happened, in that garage. Forcefully and brutally with no mercy whatsoever.

But again, I kept my mouth closed because it was no use. The one person I did open up to died a year after I got to know him, and he was the only person who didn’t take advantage of me in my entire life.

To those people who wonder what it does to you, let me tell you.

I’m 21 years old.

I’m a heroin addict.

I’ve been to rehab 4 times and countless times in detox.

It stole my life, my purpose, my soul, and every part of me.

And people say to me, “Grow up! Man up!” You people are the most evil things in this world. You’re worse than a murderer! Let’s see how you would be like if you went through what half of us went through! You know nothing about us! Why don’t you read our stories?! Why don’t you imagine you were the victim, getting penetrated until you’re gushing blood and until you can’t walk for a week? Why don’t you imagine not being able to feel any emotions? Being like a rock. Totally numb.

I left out details because no one can handle hearing the full story.

To those people who donate to schools programs, look at what Jewish Community Watch does for people like me and for people with worse stories than me.

Imagine your kid going through what I went through. Would you be able to live with that?

Instead of only caring about what your children dress like or looking like, why don’t you CARE about them?! Shouldn’t that be how Jews act?

The pain remains every day.

Posted in media, survivors-letters.

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