You made me try to take my own life

An Open Letter To My Abuser

So it’s been a bit over 3 years and it still feels like it happened yesterday- you shoving me into that room and throwing me on the table when I kept saying no. It’s like you never heard me but you did. I know you did because you acknowledged me, saying “don’t worry”. Yet your “don’t worry” should have been my wake up call, yet it wasn’t. You just continued doing your thing until I was finally able to get out of it. The alcohol breath and the alcohol in your system still lingers in me. It’s like something that will never go away. I was just a young teanager, I was numb and I had to pretend everything was okay. But nothing was okay.

3 weeks later you decided you obviously hadn’t done enough damage, that you decided to threaten to put nude photos of me on the internet if I didn’t come to my alley to see you. So my innocent self came with my friend that was sleeping over and nothing really happened besides for a little chat. When I then started to walk back into my house you threatened me again but this time I had to come by myself. You were sitting against a car on the alley floor and told me to sit down, I didn’t want to so you pulled me down on top of you. That’s when you took everything I had in me away.

For months I sat in silence, in fear, in sadness and a lot more. You made me want to take my own life enough that I tried to. I couldn’t leave my bed because I’m so afraid of you. But after 3 long tiring years of what had happened just replaying in my head over and over again I decided you and everyone else should know what really happened to me and how you destroyed me.

Someone like you will never understand the pain I feel because people that do this to others are selfish and they don’t care about other people’s feelings or well being. The fact that you can’t experience what I experience on a day to day basis hurts me so much. I can’t go to my alley without being triggered and without the flashback. I’m a very forgiving person and usually I forgive, there’s a quote that goes something like this “Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”. But me forgiving you will mean I’m okay with what happened and I’m not, I will never be. There will come no point in my life where I will be able to let go and you destroyed me.

-The girl you killed emotionally

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