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“Tell me why you feel ashamed”, you asked.
“Please help me understand.
You were just an innocent child,
And you suffered at his hand.”
“Why are you so scared to talk?
Why are the words so hard to say?”
I close my eyes, and hold my breath,
I can’t help but look away.
The words are swimming in my head
I struggle to reign them in
How can I tell you what we did?
And how do I begin?
Every thought is filled with pain
Each story takes a toll
These are stories that I don’t tell
They’re a blemish on my soul
It doesn’t matter who’s at fault
Or if I had no choice
My dignity was stripped away
I couldn’t fight, I had no voice
He made sure I was afraid
I had no place to hide
He stole the thing that makes me, me
He took away my pride
He marked me with his filth and stench
He burned me with his print
He dressed me up with fear and doubt
And threats of his abandonment
He told me it’s a secret
One that no one would believe
They would say that I was lying
Looking only to deceive
So it’s with shame I stand before you
My body shakes with fear
Will you see me through the wall I built
Will you snicker at my tears?
Will you blame me for my weakness?
Will you question every word
Will my story ever be too much?
The worst that you have heard?
Will you doubt it could have happened?
How much will you believe?
Will that be all you see of me?
No matter what else I have achieved.
I don’t always understand it all
I can’t say where things went wrong
I’ve been told that I must never tell
And I am are sure I don’t belong
I measure each and every word
I dole them out with care
Is this safe? I can’t be sure
Just how much can I share?
At what point will you yell “enough!”?
It’s almost like a test
Will you leave me? Walk away?
Will you be just like the rest?
“You can trust me” you have said
And I want to, oh so much
But those same words I have heard before
As he burned me with his touch
I’m so afraid that you might hurt me
As I’ve been hurt before
With every kind word that you say
The fear grows so much more
I don’t want to need you,
Maybe that’s why I resist
But the more I try to pull away
The harder it becomes to just desist
So of course there’s shame, it can’t be helped
When I need you just to cope
I’m drowning and I’m flailing
Praying you’ll just throw me a rope
I’m on my knees in front of you
I grovel, beg and plead
I’m humble and embarrassed
To admit the things I need
I’m ashamed of what you’ll think of me
I’m ashamed that you will know
I’m ashamed that you will see the truth
I’m so afraid that you will go
I’m ashamed I can’t be stronger
I’m ashamed of what I feel
I’m ashamed that when I say it
You will know for sure it’s real
So when you ask what I’m ashamed of
I’m not sure what to reply
I’m ashamed of all you’ll see
If I let you look me in the eye